What NOT To Put In Your Tinder Profile

[emphasized type=”emphasized”]Women are looking for pretty simple things: a nice, normal-looking dude in a sea of weirdos and douchebags.[/emphasized]

Tinder is 93% about your photos. And currently, it pains me to look at 92% of them.

Let’s be honest… Tinder is shallow. It’s a snap judgment based purely on a few pictures and a tagline. So you have about 2.5 seconds(generous) to stop us from swiping left.

Due to the fact that we generally spend a mere amount of seconds on a guy’s profile, there are certain things that instantly make a girl swipe left. Whether you’re looking to hit it and quit it, or you’re here for the long haul, take note of these DON’T’s to get you as many matches as possible:

  1. More than 1 selfie, if any: Do you not have any friends?!
  2. Gym selfies: NO.
  3. Shirtless gym selfies: still NO.
  4. Shirtless gym mirror selfies: Do you want to die alone?!
  5. Photos with the same girl/your ex/current girlfriend/wife: Dear recently single/still married, I will not be your Rebecca Rebound or your Hannah Homewrecker.
  6. Pictures with kids: regardless of nephew, niece, brother or sister, we are going to automatically assume it yours and most of us don’t want that baggage! Even if it is yours, a picture of your kid on a dating site is just weird.
  7. Hi-Vis: No one looks good in fluro yellow or orange. No one.
  8. Too many topless photos: we get it…YOU LIFT BRO. We don’t care.
  9. Too many group photos: this isn’t Where’s Wally.
  10. Pictures of your junk: I don’t care if you’re proud of your 9inch trouser snake, a picture of it makes you seem like a desperate pervert.
  11. Just one picture: SUSS. So SUSS. Am I being Catfished?!
  12. Photos with a tiger in Thailand: I’ll just leave this here…
  13. Too many party photos: immature muppet comes to mind.
  14. Photos of your car: we are NOT sexually attracted to cars.
  15. Multiple haircuts/beards: this is not a game of Guess Who.
  16. Words like “wacky”/”quirky”, also eccentric, exotic, unique, Tinderella, partner in crime, entrepreneur, etc.
  17. More than 3 emoji’s in your bio: are you a 12 year old girl?!
  18. Photos of inanimate objects: what even!
  19. Bad grammar or text that LoOkz LYK DiS: speaks for itself.
  20. A riddle/quote: our Year 12 exams were more enjoyable than deciphering your cryptic clue. And we’ve also seen 200 other profiles with the same Anchorman quote.

N.B: it is impossible to look datable/screwable in all of the following: thongs, speed dealer sunnies, bintang singlets, stringlets, 90’s surfer necklaces, acid wash jeans, blonde tipped hair, jean shorts, earrings.

So put on a shirt, get rid of the selfie stick, and all aboard the human carousel.

And if you do in fact get a match, for the love of God, please don’t start the conversation with “Hi/Hey/Hello”. That’s a whole new can of worms.

Georgia Dunlop
A Sydneysider turned Melbournian, Georgia is a long time food enthusiast, wanderluster, whisky lover and piccolo drinker. As a Fashion and Textile Design graduate, Georgia values most a killer outfit, a beautiful space, delicious seasonal food and great company.